Entry: Broken Friday, July 13, 2012

I know there is something in my makeup that is broken and it can't be fixed.  I know there is something wrong with me both mentally and emotionally that I think stems from whatever circuit is crossed or wire is broken in my basic make up.  As a result, I am a sociopath.  The problem is. I wasn't always this way, so whatever is broken now, wasn't broken when I was younger.  I have to wonder if the years of my childhood being beaten broke something that never showed up on the x-rays.  Or maybe it was done one of those times my parents couldn't take me to the ER because it was obvious someone had slammed me in the face with their fist multiple times. 


In any event. I'm broken.  I'm a sociaopath.  I hate myself and my life.  Other than a very few people I dislike almost everyone I know. 


Here's the problem  The key, the kicker to my little issue. 


I do not see myself as a sociopath. 


Here is a loose list of symptoms on which I'm basing my thoughts here....

  • Displays heightened levels of deceitfulness in dealings with others, which involves lying, conning others without remorse, or even using aliases
  • Inability to abide by the social norms and thus violating law
  • Displays aggressiveness and often tends to get into assaults and physical fights
  • Displays complete lack of empathy for others and their situation for which they are responsible
  • Displays no feelings or shallow feelings
  • Displays impulsive behavior which is indicated by the inability to plan for the future
  • Displays no concern for safety of others around them or self
  • Inability to sustain a consistent behavior that stems mainly from irresponsibility especially at work place or in other dealings
  • Displays promiscuous behavior

The only place I use an alias is online.  I rarely lie, in fact, people tend to get really mad because I don't lie, I tell them the truth.


I may speed on occasion.  My insurance has lapsed a few times over the years.  I have kept money and other things I have found in places that I could not find the original owner.  I once, in high school, stole a few cars and drove them around with my boyfriend.  However, they were all returned washed and with a full tank of gas.


I am aggressive and I do have a lot of verbal confrontations.  However, at 5'2" I haven't gotten into any kind of physical confrontation since my school days.


I care about other people.  I care about the few friends I have, I care about my children, I care about what family I have that still speaks to me.  I care about them, their feelings and well just everything about them.  I have sympathy for strangers to a point.  I do not have sympathy more than once for people who whine and complain about things they can fix.  My thoughts are fix it or stfu.


People say I am too emotional.  A drama llama.  I'm butthurt.  The list is endless.  Maybe it's better to say I show emotion but other than with my friends, family and children it is mainly negative.


I am impulsive.  I am.  I do things without thinking them thru.  However, I do plan, or hope for the future.  I can't truly plan as my life is so chaotic I don't make a lot of plans for myself too far into the future.


I have a very healthy concern for my own safety and the safety of those I love.  I admit with strangers I don't much care.  I would stop someone from walking in front of a bus, I wouldn't let a kid do something stupid, but otherwise, I don't much care.

I'm so consistent it's sad.  Angels cry over how consistent I am.  I've worked the same dead end job for 6 years with no raise and haven't made much of an effort to change that.  I wake up the same time every day, eat the same things every week, wear the same clothes and when they finally wear out but ones that look just like them.


As for the last, I haven't had sex with a person in over 12 years. Just me and B.O.B.

I do not see myself as anti-social, I just don't make an effort to force myself on people and I never get invited anywhere to go and be social.  If I were invited to something (which does happen maybe twice a year) I go and I enjoy myself and no one slaps me or kicks me out.  People laugh at my jokes. 


I don't have an abnormal moral conduct.  I have morals.  I know right from wrong and I'm well aware when I do something wrong.  Problem is I usually don't care that I'm doing something morally wrong.  Then again, my idea of morals is based on a die-hard pentecostal mentality in which i was raised so maybe there are other morals out there that are acceptable that would better suit me. 


I don't know. I just know that I am accused of doing things which are typical with this list. I don't see what I may have said or done in the same light as they do but enough people are saying it that I have to believe that whatever it is that is broken, keep me from realizing just how terrible I am.


I've thought often in the last few years of suicide.  My baby is 13 now, so I see it as a 5 year countdown before it would be an option.  I'm unhappy.  I've been unhappy for years. I'm lonely.  I hurt, inside and out.  My heart hurts.  I want a relationship but I undermine it from the get go every time I manage to attract a guy without even really trying.  I'm scared to death of getting attached and getting my heart broken again.


I upped my life insurance policy a while back.  Made sure the one I have doesn't have a suicide clause.  You pay a little extra but you know your kids will get the money once you finally get the balls to just be done with it.




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