Entry: No one is there to hear..... Monday, May 09, 2011

The descent into madness isn't actually as scary as most people make it out to be.  In fact, the fear comes more at the end when you realize you've completely lost your mind, more so that during the process of losing it.


I have these moments quite frequently.  My solution, plow thru it and get on with my life.  This has always been fairly simple in the past.  I've had friends and family to help me thru it and have always emerged, if slightly worse for wear, at least whole.


Recently I've realized that with the death of my parents, I lost my biggest support.  I thought I had friends to count on, but I've apparently run them off one by one.  My sisters, while completely sympathetic all have their own lives and bullshit to deal with, so I rarely, if ever, involve them in my shit. 


So now I come to a point in my life where I really need to have someone out there to talk to, to count on and I find that I have no one. 


I'm learning that I really can't be mad, it's my own fault.  I'm not a nice person.  I'm rude, judgmental, and mouthy.  I apparently treat people terribly, though to be truthful on that one, I didn't realize I was or had done so.


I've been told that I'm an attention whore, constantly trying to turn everyone's attention towards me and my petty little problems.  Which has left me rather lost and confused because I truly have never tried to be that way.  They say what annoys us most in others is what we are, in fact, guilty of ourselves.  So maybe I am a complete drama llama.  I don't know.  I never meant to be.


Now the funny thing is I don't talk to people.  I've gotten quite used to having no friends and I never counted on the ones who claimed to be my friends.  It's easier when they let you down that way.  The only people I have any contact with anymore are online.  I have no one locally who I am friends with, at least anymore.  I'm still not sure what I did to break those friendships, just that I don't feel I should have to fight for something when I don't know what the problem is to begin with.  The few people at work who I thought were my friends, well, I work in an office that people would just as soon stab you in the back as not.  They relish in throwing people under the bus.  So when You try to avoid all the bullshit, you get slammed anyway,  just because.


I know I have something wrong with me.  I'm not sure if it's truly mental or maybe just my emotions trying to take over control, because as terrible as I am, it's only those terrible emotions that I allow anyone to see.  All I want to do is cry and I never ever cry.  But I've given up.  If the kids were all in college, I would give up completely, but I promised myself I would see them all in college, so I will.


The problem is I'm to the point of desperation.  I really need someone to count on, someone to talk to and I've alienated everyone in my life so that when it's time for me to be the one asking for help, no one is there to hear. 




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June 13, 2011   04:38 PM PDT
This was all offline for a long time. Drop me an e-whatev. I'm not as bad at listening as all that...but I might treat you as badly as...well...hey...it WAS in YOUR blog!

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